Fading smiles
by 09imagine09
Summary: Jim reveals his true feelings to Pam after the Booze Cruise. But will she make the right decisions? Will she be able to face her own true feelings right after Roy set a date for their wedding?
1. Chapter 1

emShe looked so happy, dancing with Roy. He saw the smile on her face when Roy set a date. But still, he always sensed a tension between them. Still, even though it looked like he would never have her, all he wanted, all he ever wanted, was her./em

He saw her, walking to Roy's car and felt the tears swell up in his eyes. And suddenly he just couldn't take it anymore. He felt like he had to tell her, or else he'd burst. He didn't think about the consequences, his timing or Pam's feelings. He just had to. 

"Pam!" She looked over her shoulder, surprised.

"What?" She shouted, with a huge grin on her face.

He couldn't speak. Her happiness cut through his soul like a knife.

"What is it, Halpert? I don't have all night!" 

He just stared at her, unable to control his emotions.  
Slowly the smile on Pam's face faded. He saw her whispering something to Roy, and he drove off. She came over to him.

"What is it Jim? Is it something about Katy? Did something happen?" She sounded concerned. 

He hated himself, he hated the tear that escaped from his eye. He hated Roy, he hated cruises, he hated how he loved the way her hair was blowing in the wind. 

"Hey Jim.. I'm here for you, ok?" The look on her face had changed, softened.

"I know, it's just that.. I'm just.. I.."

He stared into her eyes, suddenly more determined.

"There's something I want to tell you, Pam. Something I emneed/em to tell you"

"What is it?"

"I broke up with Katy."

"Oh Jim. I'm so sorry." She grabbed his hand.

They stood there for a little while, not saying anything, till Pam broke the silence.

"But.. why?" 

He knew this was it.

"Because of you Pam."

"What?" She blurted out, without thinking about it. A little smile ran away from her face. But she gazed back into his eyes, and once again her smile faded. She pulled her hand out of his.

"Jim, please.."

"I know. I know you probably don't want to hear this. I'm your friend, I should be happy for you, right? I tried, Pam. I did. God, you have no idea. But I'm not happy, in fact I'm miserable. I hate to see you with Roy, I just can't take it. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I can't be the friend you want me to be, but the thing is Pam, I'm crazy about you. ALways have been, always will be. I Try to tell myself otherwise, I even date other people. But nothing seems to help Pam, nothing can change the way I feel about you. Not even you getting married."

He stopped. The silence between them seemed to last forever. She didn't look at him. He tried to catch her eyes, but she kept avoiding his. He couldn't tell what she was thinking. Suddenly she gasped for air.

"I don't know what to say, Jim." She sounded angry. 

She turned around and started to walk away.

"Pam!" He grabbed her arm. "You know this is not all about me, don't you."

"How dare you!" She looked shocked. "I'm getting married for christ's sake!" She was yelling at him now.

"Well, maybe you should reconsider. I'm not crazy Pam. And neither are you. You know something's going on. And you know what, Pam," Jim started yelling too. "The easy way isn't always the right one!"

She started to walk away, but hesitaded and turned around again.

She looked at him, tears running down her face.  
"How could you do this..." She spoke very softley. He couldn't stand seeing her so miserable and came a little closer.

"I feel like this is the only way, Pam. I'm sorry.. I didn't mean to upset you." He wrapped his arms around her.  
"Just know that.. It's not impossible, Beesly. I don't want us to waste this." 

She sighed, and he softly pushed his lips on her forehead. He wished he could have hold her there, forever. His arms around her waste, his nose hidden in her curls, standing at that parking lot of lake wallenpaupack.  
Suddenly she pulled back again. 

"I have to go." She whispered. "You know I have to."

"Wait, Pam, how are you getting home." He yelled at her back.

"I'll call a cab."

She turned around.

"Goodbye Jim."

He didn't react. Everything became a blur as he saw her walking away.


	2. Chapter 2

He didn't know what he had expected her to say. But it still hit him really hard that she didn't say _anything_. Of course he knew she was getting married, but he kept having this feeling.. 

He was just positive she wasn't marrying the right guy. Just because of the way they interacted, how they seemed to complete each other and last but not least, how they could have so much fun together. It just felt so right when they were together.  
Jim took of his shoes, sat down on his sofa and turned on the tv. There wasn't much on. Rain was slowly ticking on the roof. Suddenly he had a real bad headache. He felt so empty inside. The way she said "goodbye, Jim" made him feel so alone. 

He knew he had lost her. That he wouldn't get another change like that. Because she needed to be left alone. She'd told him so many things, only by saying goodbye, the way she had. Again he felt the urge to cry, but he got up and went to his bathroom to take a shower. 

As the warm water ran over his face he realized he didn't regret telling her. He knew he needed closure, without that he would never be able to let her go. And that's what he needed to do. He needed to let her go. As hard as it was going to be, he knew that that's what he _had_ to do.

He thought he'd heard something. A ringing sound. All drowsy he tried to open his eyes. Again he heard the ringing sound and he realized it was his doorbell. He glanced over at his alarm clock. 2:15am. He turned on the little light by his bed and got up. He noticed the rain had only gotten worse since he'd gone to sleep.  
Slowly he opened the door.

"Hey.."

Pam was standing at his door, in the pouring rain.

"Jezus, Pam, you're soaking wet! Get in here!"

"Thanks."

They stood in his livingroom. He saw Pam shiver.

"Hey, do you want a cup of tea?"

"Yeah, that would be great, thanks."

He went into the kitchen, wondering what she was doing at his place, in the middle of the night! He decided to give her some green tea. When he came back to the livingroom, Pam was sitting on his sofa.  
He gave her her tea.

"Thank you, Jim." He could tell she had been crying.

"So..." He didn't want her to feel awkward. "Were you just in the neighborhood?"

He spotted a little smile on her face, before it went back to it's serious expression.

"I had a fight with Roy."

"I'm sorry." He knew she knew he didn't mean that.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He did feel sorry for her though. He had been angry with Roy many times before, for hurting Pam.

"No."

"Ok.."

"At least, not yet. Ok? I was just wondering, if maybe.. If maybe I could stay here for a little while."

"Of course." How could he ever refuse?

Pam got up and stretched. "I'm really exhausted. Do you mind if I go to sleep?"

"Of course not! You can take my bed, I'll sleep on the couch."

"Oh no, you don't have to, I don't want to be any trouble.."

"Trust me, you're not. I really don't mind, ok?"

"Ok."

They smiled at each other.

"Jim?"

"Hmmm?"

"Could you.. take me somewhere tomorrow?"

"Where do you want to go?"

"I don't know. Just, do something fun?"

"Sure, Beesly. I'll think of something."

She gave him a little smile.

"Goodnight, Halpert."

"Goodnight."

Letting her go suddenly became a lot harder again.


	3. Chapter 3

He didn't sleep all night. The idea that Pam was actually lying in his bed was very surreal. All he tried to tell himself was he shouldn't see stuff in it that wasn't really there. She got in a fight with Roy, but it was not like that had never happened before. But still he wondered what the fight had been about. He decided not to ask her. He didn't want to upset her. If she wanted him to know, she'd tell hem.  
He got up at 5 in the morning. He didn't feel like sleeping anyway. He was pacing up and down his livingroom, trying to not make any sound that would wake Pam up. She'd asked him to take her somewhere. Somewhere fun. What was that all about?

Last night she made it pretty clear that she was with Roy and not with him. And that she wasn't planning on changing that either. He had seen the look in her eyes. He knew she had meant it. Maybe it was the little touch of regret on her face which made it even more real. Even more definite that this was where they were, where they'd have to stay.

But then she came back.  
She had come to his house. Plain and simple as that. And it confused him. If she would have shown up a week ago, it would have been totally different. He would have hold her in his arms to comfort her, made her breakfast in the morning, maybe goof around a little. But now everything was different. He had opened up to her. He had come clean about everything. She knew exactly where he stood. And frankly he didn't know anything about her feelings. He didn't know what she thought when he told her, he didn't know what happened between Roy and her, he didn't even know what drove her to him, in the middle of the night. And it made him feel so damn insecure. He had always been the nice, gentle, fun guy around her but now he didn't know how to act. He hated to admit to himself that she had so much power over him. It even made him angry sometimes.  
He decided he would be safe making her breakfast. Besides, they both had to eat something, and she was the one who was sleeping in his bed, not the other way around.

It was almost seven o'clock when Pam came down the stairs. She was wearing one of his shirts which, obviously, was way to big for her. It reached till right above her knees. Her hair was still down, and small curls where falling in her face.

"Morning, Pam."

"Jim! Woow, you scared me! I didn't see you there!"

She was blushing a bit. Jim thought he'd never seen her as beautiful as she looked right now.

"Yeah, I was feeling really vigorous this morning, so you know.. I got up quite early."

"I see. I'm not even dressed yet."

She smiled at him.

"That's ok, I won't look. Hey, say what Beesly: eggs, or pancakes?"

"You're making me breakfast?"

"What can I say? I'm a real gentleman."

"Well, I have to admit, I'm really enjoying your hospitality. Uhmm, you know what, I'm kind of in the mood for pancakes today, so.."

"Pancakes coming right up. Now you go and make yourself presentable."

"Thanks Jim."

Something changed in the sound of her voice.  
She was still standing there. He glanced over to her.

"Don't worry about it."

10 minutes later she got back downstairs, dressed in the clothes she wore the previous night and her hair flipped back in a ponytail. Jim was sitting at the table in his kitchen. She walked over and sat down on the other side of the table.

"So.. This looks really nice Jim."

"Wait untill you taste it, you'll be surprised."

It was almost as if last night had never happened when he was watching her enjoying his pancakes. But right now, he felt like it was her turn to speak. But she just sat there, eating quietly.

"Well, it's quite early. You still want me to take you somewhere?"

He was waiting for her to say something, could see her hesitating, but finally she spoke;

"Jim, I'm sorry if this is weird for you. Me being here and stuff. And it's hard to explain, because I don't even know how I feel right now myself. I know we need to talk, and we will, it's just that.. I need to sort things out a bit. So I was hoping, you know, that we could just hang out today. I know it's a weird thing for me to want right now.. I just couldn't think of anyone else to got to. And I just want you to know that I'll understand if you don't want to do this right now. Please don't feel obligated. I could also just go, you know. I'll understand."

It _was _weird for him. And he _didn't_ understand it. It also wasn't what he had hoped for her to say. Pam knew that.

"I know it's much to ask, Jim. So really, you don't have to."

"You know what Pam. I'm going to be honest with you. I don't know why you are doing this, but I'm actually quite fed up with this whole situation as well. So you know, fine. We'll just hang out. I actually just got an idea."

He smiled at her. "Think you can trust me?"

"As long as it's not a cruise, I'm cool with it."

"Trust me, it won't be a cruise."

"Ok, so we're both cool with this non-talking thing?"

He could still sense a little doubt in her expression.

"It's a deal, Beez."

He was looking forward to a whole day, just having fun with her, without all the mixed up feelings and awkward moments they had shared before. He knew there would be a confrontation. It was inevitable and they both knew it. But that had nothing to do with today. Today was going to be easy and relaxed.

"Ready to have some fun Pam?"

"Can't wait!"

He saw excitement in her eyes as she started walking to his car. He just loved the little twinkling stars that appeared when she smiled. He locked the door of his apartment and followed her. She was going to love what he had planned for them. He was smiling to himself, as he felt the sun on his face. 

It had stopped raining.

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Ok, well I hope you liked it so far. I would very much appreciate your thoughts and opinions about this! So let me know what you think :-)


	4. Chapter 4

Pam was sitting in the passenger's seat

Pam was sitting in the passenger's seat. She smiled at him.

"So where you taking me?"

"Can't say. It would ruin the surprise."

"I love surprises!"

Jim smiled and started the car. He had such mixed feelings about this day. At one hand, he was really excited, and really looking forward to spending time with her, but on the other hand, it all felt kind of weird. He felt really naked and exposed, because she knew all about his feelings. He wanted her to give a response, to react, to make herself clear. He thought she had already done that, the other night. But her showing up like this filled him with doubt. Maybe she did have feelings for him as well. Why would she want to hang out with him, all day, right after he told her he loved her? If she really didn't feel anything, she wouldn't come over and play with his feelings like that. Or would she?  
_No, Pam isn't like that._

They had been driving for approximately an hour when he pulled over.

"Alright, I think we've made it."

"Where are we?"

"You'll see."

"My God, Halpert. Still not telling me?"

"You'll find out soon enough. Besides it wouldn't be as much fun, if you knew where we were going. C'mon, this way."

They were crossing an almost empty parking lot. The sun was slowly rising and Pam heard a few birds sing in the trees. She took a deap breath and suddenly felt extremely happy. She hadn't felt like this in a long time. She saw Jim's tall shadow on the concrete and couldn't help but smile. She ignored all her rising guilt and punishing thoughts. _Not today!_

Suddenly she saw it.

"Jim! A Zoo! Where at a ZOO!"

"Yeah, I know."

"Oh my God! I love Zoo's! How did you know!!"

"I didn't. I just sort of knew you would like it."

"Wow! I'm really impressed."

She was, she really was. Jim knew her so well. She didn't think Roy would ever think of taking her to a zoo. She knew this was going to be an amazing day. She hugged him and said:

"This is so great!"

"You haven't even seen the place, Beesly. Come on. Let's find the entrance."

They neared a big, closed gate. Pam looked at it and said a bit dissapointent:

"Jim, we forgot! It's only 8:30am! It says here, this zoo doesn't open til noon..."  
He could here she was kind of sad about it. He couldn't keep the surprise from her any longer.

"Did you hear me making a phonecall this morning, Pam?"

"No, why?"

"Well, I have this really close friend, and he works at this zoo. I thinks he feeds the animals or something. But anyway, I told him that I was bringing you... And, well, he should be here any minute."

"He's gonna let us in?"

He saw the excitement in her eyes again.

"The whole zoo will be ours, Pam. For three and a half hours. How do you like that?"

"I feel like I could cry."

"Oh, come on, don't. It'll be fun."

Suddenly they heard someone coming. Pam looked around and saw a friendly looking guy approaching. Jim grinned at her and turned around to greet his friend.

"Jason! How are you doing, man! It's great to see you!"

"Jim! Wow, it's been way to long."

He pulled out a gicantic key bunch and opened the gate. Jim went in and hugged Jason, Pam followed him.

"You must be Pam! Great to meet you!" Jason smiled at her and shook her hand enthousiastically.

She was a bit overwhelmed by his unconditional kindness, but soon recovered and smiled back.

"Nice to meet you too. Very kind of you to let us in."

She couldn't hide the excitement in her voice.

"It's no big deal, really. Just don't break anything, haha! Well, I got to get going, still have lot's of work to do. You two have fun, and I think I'll see you in a bit."

"Thanks, Jason. So... What do you think. Where do you want to go?"

"My God! I really don't know. I've never been here before. I just want to see everything! This is so exciting!"

Jim couldn't help but feel really content with himself.

"Well, I happen to be an expert, so if you like, I could be your personal tour guide for today."

"I would very much like that!"

"Alright then, follow me! The show's about to start!"

Pam followed him, feeling happier with every step she took. Jim was such a great guy. She knew it. She also knew there was a lot of things left unsaid between them which needed to be said. But right now, she didn't want to think about any of those. She just wanted a tour. And she knew she had the best guide possible; Jim.


	5. Chapter 5

"And now, on your right hand, you will see a group of camels. A camel can outrun a horse over long distances and can run for several hours without stopping. In the summer, it can easily survive for two or three days without food and water. In winter, it can live without food and water for up to a week. As you can see..."

"Jim." Pam interupted with a huge grin on her face.

"What is it, I'm kind of in the middle of something, Pam."

He tried to act annoyed, but could hardly suppress a smile crawling up his face. Pam was _smiling _at him and she looked so happy and this time he knew it was because of him. He had made her smile and it made him feel so strangley satisfied. He wanted to memorize every little movement she made, every smile she gave him and everything she said. No matter what would happen between them, nobody could take that away from him.

"I know, I'm sorry. I just don't think those are camels."

"You don't think those are camels? Well, alright then, Ms. Know-it-all. What do _you_ think they are?"

"Actually, I'm quite certain they are dromedaries. You see, they only have one hump."

"Well..." Jim turned around to take another look at the 'camels'.

"Oh my god! You're totally right! How did I not see that!?"

"Great tour, Halpert. It's awsome that there's so much I can learn from you!"

"Oh, shut up, you! It doesn't really matter anyway. Camels and dromedaries are practically the same. Who cares?"

"Actually, I think there are a lot of differences between them. For instance..."

"Moving on! Moving on, this way please. Everyone, stay with the group, c'mon, keep up!"

Pam giggled and followed him. She loved how he made her laugh all the time. He was so easy going and fun to be around. They went up a little bridge and passed a beautiful fountain. Suddenly, he stopped. Pam, caught by surprise, bumped into him.

"Oops, sorry." She said, laughing at him.

"Don't mention it."

"Why did we stop?"

He grabbed her arm and pulled her closer to where he was standing.

"Stand right here, now look over there," he said, softly.

He was pointing at a little opening in the bushes behind the fountain. Pam followed his gaze and then she saw it:

"Jim, that's... That's beautiful!"

"I know, isn't it? I used to love this place when I was a kid."

"You used to come here a lot?"

"Yeah. I loved coming here. And especially this spot."

He saw Pam staring at the flamingos with amazement in her eyes. He remembered how he used to stand here at this very spot for hours when he was a kid, simply refusing to go home. It had something magical. The flamingos in the distance stood between amazingly green bushes and trees and glistening droplets of the fountain at the forefront.

"It's just... breathtaking."

"I know." He had to keep telling himself to stop staring at her.

"I wish I could draw this."

"Ah, well, actually I thought about that. Don't get too excited though, I couldn't bring all your art supplies, but I did bring a camera! Here, take it."

"Oh my god, you're the best! This is so cool!"

Before he knew it, Pam had put her arms around him. At first, he hesitaded a bit, but then he wrapped his arms around her, putting his chin upon her head. After what seemed forever, she let him go and took a couple pictures of the view. He took a deep breath. The scent of her shampoo still lingered and he always wanted to remember that aroma.

"Now, I want one with you in it!"

"With me? No, I don't think that's a good idea. I'll ruin the photograph."

"Oh stop whining and get over there already! You ready? One.. two... three...!"

She took the picture and noticed how warm his smile was. The empty picture frame she had at home would be the perfect place for this picture.

"Alright, now I want to take one with you in it."

"Fair enough." She softly brushed against him as they switched places.

He looked through the camera and saw how Pam ran her hand through her hair to make it look good for the picture. It made him smile, because in his opinion, that was totally unnecessary.

"Alright, smile!"

As he took the picture, he realized it was truly the most beautiful thing he'd ever laid eyes on. It was his favorite place, with his favorite person in it. And he loved it. She just looked _so_ beautiful. He lowered his camera and gave her a little nod.

"So... we're moving on again! We still have so much more to see in so little time."

As they started walking, he felt her hand brushing against his. He immediatly put his hand in his pocket to stop himself from grabbing hers. He saw her doing the same. _That doesn't mean anything, Halpert_, he told himself.

"Hey, Jim! Come here for a second."

"What's up?"

"These animals; they are just like you!"

He started laughing. They were looking down on an clan of meerkats. They seemed really busy; they were running around making all kinds of peeping sounds.

"Oh really, Beesly? And do you mind telling me why you think I'm just like a meerkat?"

"I mean look at them. It's everything. You can see they really observate everything that's going on around them, just like you. They can get really hyper, running around and stuff..."

"I'm not hyper!"

"Oh, yes you are! Sometimes at least. Remember the office olympics? Or the time when you were playing basketball with the warehouse guys. Trust me, you can get really hyper. Besides, it's also their whole appearence. They're brownish, just like you. And... they're skinny. You see? Tons of similarities."

"Wow, thank you Pam," he replied sarcastically.

"No, I don't mean it as a bad thing! I mean, look at them! They're adorable!"

"So you think I'm adorable too?" As soon as he said those six words he regretted it.

Pam looked at him.

"Yes." She said it plainly, without any hesitation in her voice.

She turned around again. Jim was still looking at the meerkats, blushing a bit. What was she doing? What did this mean? Was she trying to tell him something? It probably didn't mean anything. To refrain from getting his hopes up too high, he told himself: _She's your friend. She just likes you as a friend. An adorable friend. Nothing more. Nothing less._

"Are you coming? I need my guide!"

"Yup, we're moving on again. Let's see if I can find an animal that has a lot of Pam features."

This was going to be an interesting day.

* * *

I'm sorry ik took me so long to post this! I've been really, extremely bussy. But I hope you liked it anyway :)

I would really appreciate any kind of feedback, comments and thoughts about this. I didn't get a lot of reviews (thanks to _lim3gr33nkoolaid_ and _maddikinz940_ who did review! It means a lot!) so I'm not really sure whether you like this story or hate it. So if you got a minute, please let me know! It'll probably make me write faster too :P

Thank you for reading!!


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